These are actual epitaphs I've gathered from the Web

On the 22nd of June
Went out of tune.
Stranger, tread
This ground with gravity;
Dentist Brown is filling
His last cavity.
Here lies the body of
Stepped on the gas
instead of the brake.
Throughout his life he kneaded bread
And deemed it quite a bore.
And now six feet beneath earth's crust
He needeth bread no more.
He found a rope and picked it up.
And with it walked away.
It happened that to the other end
A horse was hitched, they say.
They took the rope and tied it up
Unto a hickory limb.
It happened that the other end
Was somehow hitched to him.
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.
She was not smart, she was not fair,
But hearts with grief for her are swellin'
All empty stands her little chair:
She died of eatin' water-mellon.
Here lies Kelly,
We buried him today.
He lived the life of Riley,
....when Riley was away!
Reader if cash thou art 
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.
Here lies a man named
Second fastest draw
in Cripple Creek.
Here lies the body of
She kicked up her heels
And away she went.
Here beneath this stone we lie
Back to back my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up then I'll lie still
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimmin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa.
Here lies Ned.
There is nothing more to be said
Because we like to speak well of the dead.
Once I wasn't.
Then I was.
Now I ain't again
The children of Israel wanted bread
but the Lord sent them manna
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife
and the Devil sent him Anna.
Here lies
Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
Here lies Matthew Mudd
Death did him no hurt;
When alive he was Mudd,
But now he's only dirt
My father and mother were both insane
I inherited the terrible stain.
My grandfather, grandmother, aunts and uncles
Were lunatics all, and yet died of carbuncles.
To the Memory of
Born 15 September 1822
Accidentally shot 4th April 1844
As a mark of affection from his brother.
Here lies my wife
Here let her lie! 
Now she's at rest
And so am I. 
In the memory of
Here lies an honest lawyer
and that is Strange
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
Sacred to the memory of
who died August the 6th, 1800:
His widow, aged 24
lives at 7 Elm Street,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.
Here lies the man Richard,
And Mary his wife,
Whose surname was Prichard;
They lived without strife;
And the reason was plain,
They abounded in riches,
They had no care nor pain
And his wife wore the britches.
In memory ov John Smith
who met wierlent death neer this spot
18 hundred and 40 too. He was shot 
by his own pistill;
It was not one of the new kind,
but a old 
brass barrel, and of such is the
Kingdom of heaven.
Born of woman
Killed by lead
I most likely had your wife in bed.
Stephen and Time are now both even;
Stephen beat Time and now Time's beat Stephen.
Here lies one who never lied before
And one who never will lie More
To which there need be no More said.
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.
Dr. Fred Roberts
Office upstairs.
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Mr. Fish
Worms are bait for fish
But here's a sudden change,
Fish is bait for worms-
Is not that passing strange?
I was Carolina born
and Carolina bred
and here I lay
Carolina dead!
When people's ills, they come to I
I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
Sometimes they live, sometimes they die;
What's that to I?
I. Letsome.
Here lies poor but honest
Bryan Tunstall
He was a most expert angler
until Death envious of his art, threw out his line hooked him
And landed him here the 21st day of April
Here lies Salvino Armalo D'Armati
of Florence,
the inventor of spectacles.
May God pardon his sins!
The year 1318
Here lie the remains of John Hall,grocer
The world is not worth a fig, and I have good raisins for saying so.
He burnt his candle at both ends
It did not last the night,
But oh, my dears, and oh, my friends,
It made a lovely light.
Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp
Who lived by wool and died by hemp
Paul Lennis Swank
Here under the dung of cows and sheep,
Lies an old highclimber fast asleep.
His trees all topped and his lines all hung,
They say the old rascal died full of rum.
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
Arthur James Sutton
5.6.1946 - 31.1.1996
Beloved Husband Of Barbara
'Gone fishing', the sign said that hung upon the door.
An Angel had put it there, God was waiting on the shore.
Julia Adams
Died of thin shoes
April 17, 1839
age 19 years.
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Harry Edsel Smith
Looked up the elevator shaft
To see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
Ellen Shannon
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp filled with
"R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Here lies the body of
Mary Ann Lowder
She burst while drinking a seidlitz powder,
Called from this world to her heavenly rest,
She should have waited till it effervesced.
Here lies cut down like unripe fruit
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute;
She died of drinking too much coffee
Anny Dominy eighteen forty.
Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Uncle Peter Dan'els,
Who, early in the month of May,
Took off his winter flannels.
Little Willy in the best of sashes,
Played with fire and was burnt to ashes!
Very soon the room got chilly,
But no one liked to poke poor Willy!
Wherever you be,
Let your wind go free.
For holding it in,
Was the killing of me.
I was not
I am not
I grieve not
His faults are buried with him beneath this stone.
His virtues (if he had any) are remembered by his friends.
I came I know not whence,
I go I know not whither.
Here lies a man who while he lived
Was happy as a linnet.
He always lied while on the earth
And now he's lying in it.
Here lies, returned to clay
Miss Arabella Young,
Who on the first of May
Began to hold her tongue.
As a stranger she did die,
In strange lands she doth lie.
Here by strangers she was laid,
And her funeral charges paid.
I don't know how to die. Tired of this eternal buttoning and unbuttoning. I made an ash of myself.
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Here Lies The Body
Of A Man Who Died
Nobody Mourned - Nobody Cried
How He Lived - How He Fared
Nobody Knows - Nobody Cared
A victim of fast women and slow horses.
Weep not for me mother & brothers dear
It is God's wish that I am here
At my sweet age I swallowed a bone
That sent me to a happy home.
Sacred To the Memory of
who was killed on Thursday the 4, Oct. at 2 O'ck. P.M.
by a waggon loaded with hay running over his brest.
AD.1821 AE 56 years 3 mo.&4 d's.
who has left an affectionate Consort,
and numerous friends to lament his loss.
Here lies Slip Mcvey
He would be here today
But bad whiskey and a fast gun
put him away.
I don't want to talk about it now.
Found in Hookstown, PA
on a tombstone with an etching
of a marijuana plant on it

Stay high

Two things I love most,
good horses and beautiful women,
And when I die I hope they tan this old hide of mine
and make it into a ladies riding saddle,
So I can rest in peace
between the two things I love.
Honey you dont know what you did for me,
always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked came in to play,
two days after you passed away.
For this, a huge monument I do erect,
for now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
for now we are worth 8.5
In Memory of
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood within another.
The outer wood is very good:
We cannot praise the other.

Here Lieth W.W.
Who never more will
Trouble you, trouble you.
Here lies all that remains of Charlotte,
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
For sixteen years she kept her virginity,
A marvellous thing for this vicinity.
To he who passes by
As you are, so once was I;
As I am now, thou soon shalt be,
So prepare thyself to follow me.
To follow thee is not my intent,
Unless I know which way thou went.
Here I lie snug as a bug in a rug. Here I lie snugger than that other bugger.

Here lies a poor woman who always was tired
For she lived in a house where help wasn't hired
Her last words she said were, Dear friends I am going
Where washing ain't wanted, nor mending, nor sewing
There all things is done exact to my wishes
For where folks don't eat there's no washing of dishes
In heaven loud anthems forever are ringing,
But having no voice I'll keep clear of singing.
Don't mourn for me now, don't mourn for me never
For I'm going to do nothing forever and ever.
1890. The light of my Life has gone out.
1891. I have struck another match.
" I told you I was sick. "
" I knew this was going to happen to me. "
A Master of Comedy
His Genius in the Art of
Humor Brought Gladness
To the World he Loved.
A Genius of Comedy
His Talent Brought Joy
and Laughter
to All the World.
Here rests
in honored glory
an American soldier
known only to God.
Called Back
Quoth the Raven nevermore.
Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime
The Stone the Builders Rejected.
"Loving You is Easy Cause You're Beautiful"
Hers was a gift of love,
a miracle of life,
For all the world to see and hear forever.
A star on earth - a star in heaven
She did it the hard way.
kata ton daimona eay toy
(True to his own spirit.)
I had A Lover's Quarrel With The World
Faithful to the cause of Prohibition
She hath done what she could.
The Best is Yet to Come
A tomb now suffices for him
whom the world was not enough
No Man Is Indispensable
But Some Are Irreplaceable.
The Body of
B. Franklin, Printer
Like the Cover of an old Book
Its Contents turn out
And Stript of its Lettering & Guilding
Lies here. Food for Worms
For, it will as he believed
appear once more
In a new and more elegant Edition
corrected and improved
And Away We Go
Died April 3, 1882
Aged 34 years, 6 months, 28 days
Murdered by a traitor and a coward
whose name is not worthy
to appear here.
This Grave contains all that was
Mortal of a Young English Poet
Who on his Death Bed
in the Bitterness of his Heart
at the Malicious Power of his Enemies
Desired these words to be engraven on his Tomb Stone
"Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water."
Good friend for Jesus sake forbearer,
To digg the dust encloased heare!
Blest be the man that spares thes stones,
And curst be he that moves my bones."
Cast a cold eye
On life, on death
Horseman, pass by!"
Workers of all lands unite.
The philosophers have only interpreted
the world in various ways;
the point is to change it."
...If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea....
As the flowers are all made sweeter by the sunshine and the dew, so this old world is made brighter by the lives of folks like you.